The Women and Cruising Blog » Relationships

6 Mistakes men make in sharing their sailing passion (Lessons I learned the hard way)

Nick O'Kelly — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 16:44:11 +0000

On even the most perfect weekend afternoon, we see only a handful of empty slips; most boats jostle restlessly in place like drunken tombstones.

Smart, motivated, and capable people own these craft: doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs, craftsmen, teachers, engineers, etc.

They’ve sacrificed and saved and dedicated significant resources for years to buy, berth, and maintain their boats, yet barely use (90% leave their slip less than six times per year) them and very, very few actually end up out there living The Cruising Dream.

Why? Not enough time? Life too crazy? Priorities changed? Out of money? I don’t buy it.

No, the real reason is that she is not on board.

While the registration may indicate joint ownership, this is most often (yes, there are many exceptions) his dream and this is his boat. You can bet that if she shared his enthusiasm, motivation, and The Cruising Dream, the boat would leave the slip more often and travel further.

So why isn’t she on board with The Dream?

Here are the top 6 mistakes (there are plenty more) men make in sharing their sailing passion with the most important person in their life and the real reason the boat sits unused in its slip.

Getting ready to depart San Diego in 2003. Having every luxury, toy, and piece of “required” equipment on a complicated boat means endless organizing.

1. Buying a boat to “get her into sailing”

Unless he is an extraordinarily competent captain and gifted teacher, she gets the wrong first impressions about sailing and never recovers. It doesn’t take many mini-crises and raised voices to decide at a deep level that “this isn’t fun.”

2. Selling her on a brochure

Many a sales pitch involves promises of white sandy beach and crystal-clear blue water. Yes, you’ll find plenty of postcard-perfect destinations and endless free time out cruising, but often these expectations are not sufficient to sustain the sacrifice required. Because preparations usually take years, many women decide that the ends don’t justify the means. “I’ll fly there, thank you…” Additionally, a “long vacation” aboard your own boat is not representative of the cruising lifestyle, and when and if expectations are not met, she decides that life ashore is more attractive.

3. Using guilt or bullying tactics to convince her to go cruising

To get the hesitant or resistant wife on board, we men (forever little boys at heart) sometimes resort to juvenile yet powerful and manipulative tactics to convince our wives that we “hard-working” and committed husbands deserve their support; that she, “owes this to us.”

If she has been persuaded or forced to follow his dream without buying into the dream itself, she won’t ever take responsibility for the decision to go. When times get tough-and they always do-he is back in the convincing and manipulating business, which eventually fails.

“I read more books in seven months than I had in the past 17 years.”

4. Relegating her to passenger

Men who’ve bullied, used guilt, or otherwise convinced their wives to sacrifice their life ashore for his dream subsequently carry their own guilt and feel responsible for her comfort.

She appreciates him doing all the work and taking all responsibility in the beginning, but unless she participates and owns this endeavor, she gets bored.

Boredom is the single biggest threat to the cruising dream – more lethal than any storm.

5. He lacks general competence and confidence with a large or complicated boat

Every luxury aboard Low Pressure, but the work [literally] never ends.

Cruising is not rocket science – most people can learn the basic skills: navigation, anchoring, sail handling, etc. in a relatively short period of time.

Maintaining the boat is something altogether different. In his effort to assuage his guilt and make her comfortable, he equips the boat with every possible convenience but lacks the skills to operate and maintain these systems. New or old, things break aboard a cruising boat and he turns cruising into “fixing the boat in exotic locations.”

While he is upside-down fumbling with another hack repair or pouring through manuals, she is frustrated that the two of you aren’t strolling that white sandy beach or swimming in the crystal-clear blue water.

6. Going “all-in”

It may occasionally work at the poker table, but committing every resource to cruising (a lifestyle that hopeful cruisers have no experience with) is a gamble that women (in general) are much less comfortable making than men.

Studies have shown time and again that while women are only slightly more risk-averse than men, they are much more ambiguity averse. While men are eager to head off for whatever adventure may come, women are much less comfortable with an unknown and unknowable future. “Selling it all” for The Dream neglects a reality that women wisely hold firm: almost everyone does eventually come back.

Some dreams die a quick death and never leave their local waters while others run hard onto the rocks at some sun-bleached downwind destination, but the reasons (aside from uncontrollable life circumstances) are always the same: expectations are not reached, the crew fails to learn to work together, and/or the stress of the difficult times outweighs the joy of the good.

To avoid these uncharted hazards, it’s critical that:

1. Both of you share The Cruising Dream BEFORE the cruising boat is purchased.

The financial commitment is second only to a home purchase for most couples and both materially and symbolically represents the foundation for buying into The Dream.

Our dog “Sugar” keeps us from taking any of this too seriously on the second cruise.

2. Cruising is not simply an activity or experience, a passage or a destination; it’s a lifestyle.

The two of you must share the values embodied in that lifestyle before deciding to live The Dream: time and freedom over money and comfort, self-sufficiency over dependence, efficiency over waste, etc.

3. The relationship must be on stable footing to begin with.

Cruising will galvanize a healthy relationship but ruin a tenuous one. Communication must be equal, healthy and unrestricted.

“Traditional” 1950′s stereotypes revolt both of us, yet “pink” and “blue” jobs naturally evolve on board. Megan’s skills were invaluable on both cruises.

4. You share equal involvement and responsibility.

Yes, “pink and blue” jobs will likely evolve naturally, but both of you must be capable of operating the boat alone. Competence = confidence = less stress. Learning [separately] from a professional instructor is money well spent.

5. One of you must be mechanically talented and proficient with every aspect of the boat.

Preferably, the cruising boat is very simple easy to maintain.

6. Have a global or holistic plan for the cruise and after the cruise.

You likely won’t stick to it, but agreeing on it in advance underpins the shared commitment. Additionally, it’s important to have a relief valve – have a fallback plan in place that doesn’t involve living in a storage unit. This restores a sense of freedom and choice which all human beings need to live a happy and fulfilled life.

I learned all of these lessons the hard way.

Our first cruise ended less than a year into our five year plan.

Freedom! Anticipation and expectations before jumping into the unknown from Catalina Island in 2003.

I begged, cajoled, and convinced my wife to sell it all for endless fun in the tropical breeze, but that first cruise ended less than a year into our five year plan.

We sold our big, comfortable and complicated boat at a huge loss when expectations weren’t met and the hard times outweighed the good.

My wife swore, “I’m never buying another f*cking boat.”

We moved on with our lives. It took some time, but in the following years, I stopped badgering her about boats, lovely destinations, and going cruising again. Instead, together we slowly changed our values, shifting our focus from material wealth and accomplishment to time, presence, and health. Our relationship grew, matured, and deepened.

A smaller, simpler boat means less work and more play.

Eventually we started talking about taking a sabbatical from our businesses. A few months in India? An RV trip to Central America? Cycling across the US?

Together we agreed that a smaller, simpler boat for a shorter, less fully committed itinerary made sense for the life that we wanted to live.

We made a plan, had several fallback contingencies, and picked out the right boat together.

We had a wonderful second cruise.

The boat was simple and easy to handle and both of us were capable and confident single-handing.

Balance, in both life ashore and at sea. Sausalito, California in 2010.

Our itinerary was flexible and neither of us ever felt our freedom restricted by the other. Instead of doing maintenance, we enjoyed the destinations. The experience left us wanting more.

It’s so easy to forget that The Cruising Dream is not powered by boats, equipment, or destinations, but rather the dreamers themselves.

Making sure that the two of you in a loving relationship (that’s the reality of who you really find out there) are in tip-top seaworthy condition should be your number-one priority.

About Nick O’Kelly

Nick O’Kelly is an entrepreneur, photographer, writer and Associated Press Award winning journalist living in Sausalito, California. His work has appeared on NBC and ABC television and USA Today.

His recent book GET HER ON BOARD – Secrets to Sharing The Cruising Dream is available at www.getheronboard.com, Amazon.com, as well as Barnes and Noble.

More info (external links)

Visit the Get Her On Board website

What advice do you have for men (or women) who want their partner to share their cruising dream?

Let us know.

Email kathy@forcruisers.com or leave a comment below.

Get Her On Board (Secrets to Sharing the Cruising Dream)

Gwen Hamlin — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 19:41:52 +0000

Through a sequence of connections it would take a page to recount, I’ve come back in touch with a cruiser I first met in a group of West Coast sailors getting ready to leave for the South Pacific from Puerto Vallarta back in 2003.

A series of maintenance problems cropped up and kept Nick and his wife from departing with the rest of us.

The fallout from those problems and the disappointment at the interruption ended up unraveling their cruising plan to the point that they sold the boat and got out.

That was almost six years ago.

What went wrong for them….and how did they fix it?

Nick has since spent a lot of time thinking this all through and realized most if all of it came back on him. With the clarity of hindsight, Nick picked through the debris of his dream and identified a whole series of mistakes that he made that he has since discovered are made rather blithely by many men whose dreams are still tied to the dock.

Out of this excavation, Nick has shaped a whole new strategy for men who want to take off cruising and have their wives come willingly with them. It’s based on the revolutionary idea that it’s the men who have to do some self-examination and adaptive thinking, even projection into their wives’ point on view….in a word change!

The book that resulted from this effort – GET HER ON BOARD – is an amazingly holistic approach to bringing the cruising dream to fruition. Written in a style that should communicate well to men, Nick is surprised that sales demographics suggest that many of his book’s buyers are women!

I read GET HER ON BOARD and thought aHah! “How do I get Don to read this!” This is not just for men trying to figure out how to get their partners to buy into their dream, it should be read by every man who wants a fuller richer life with the women they’ve pledged their lives to. And if they end up getting the dream off the dock and pointed toward a distant horizon, all the better.

Next week on the Women and Cruising blog: 6 Mistakes men make in sharing their sailing passion (Lessons I learned the hard way), a guest post by Nick O’Kelly.We invited Nick to compose a post for Women and Cruising not only because we suspect we have plenty of male readers trying to figure out what their women need to make the cruising dream work, but because we suspect there are plenty of women readers who’d like to help their guys find a way to make it work better for both of them.

More info (external links)

“GET HER ON BOARD – Secrets to Sharing The Cruising Dream” is available at www.getheronboard.com, Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble.
Visit the “Get Her On Board” blog

Shipboard democracy and chain of command

Michelle Elvy — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 17:48:00 +0000

“Are we gonna make it?” (me)

— “Yeah, we’ll make it.” (him)
— “I don’t know…” (me)
— “We’ll make it; sheet in the main!” (him)

60 SECONDS LATER…

— “We’re not gonna make it.” (me)
— “We should tack.” (him)
— “Yeah, we should. We’re not gonna clear that boat.” (me)
— “Wait: I think we’re clearing it. Let’s wait a bit more.” (him)

ANOTHER 30 SECONDS LATER…

— “OK, let’s tack away from that boat.” (him)
— “No, it’s too late now. Let’s fall off and jibe around.” (me)
— “OK, you’re right. You do the jib sheets; I’ll get the main.” (him)
— “Yeah; let’s go. Now!” (me)

These decisions happen fast on board our boat MOMO…

…and my husband and I usually reach a conclusion much like we did that day, when we were departing Banderas Bay in Mexico, bound for the Marquesas.

We sailed off our anchor because the wind was just right and because, though we’re not superstitious about bananas and girls on board, we adhere religiously to our own peculiar belief in beginning any long passage under sailpower alone.

We kept a close eye on the nearest boat ahead of us, separately and then together assessing whether we’d sail clear of it.

We don’t always reach the same conclusion at the same time, but one way or another, we arrive at what’s needed.

The dialogue is typical; the banter is our MO. In our familiar rapid-fire way, we talked ourselves through the situation: Tack or not? Will we clear the boat? Yes? No? OK, then: let’s jibe and get the hell out of here!

A moment after that exchange, we let out our sails and fell off downwind into a larger space in which to jibe around. Bernie pulled in the main and released it as the boom crossed the cockpit, I brought the forward sails over to port, and we gracefully completed our jibe and headed into clear water.

We had taken the better, safer route out of the anchorage, falling off the wind and going astern of the twenty some boats anchored off the town of La Cruz, rather than tacking into the wind and weaving our way through the anchored boats ahead.

Either route would have worked (we are not hot-doggers; the question of how much space to put between ourselves and the boat directly in front of us was more a matter of degrees and comfort zone than real danger).

But this is a story about decision-making and not exit strategies.

Most people will tell you that consensus doesn’t work on a sailing vessel. And they might be right.

But I mean to tell you that you just have to do what works for you.

In our case, it’s talking through our strategy, getting on the same page, and then executing the plan, together. There’s a rhythm to it, sometimes a rumble, but, in the end, a good result.

Of course, it would be a lot easier if we’d just follow traditional rules about who’s the boss.

Captain Cook

On most sailboats, the roles of Captain and First Mate are firmly established, almost always along traditional gendered lines (though we know of a few boats where the roles are reversed).

On those vessels, this kind of discussion about departure strategy would not take place.

There’s comfort in that, to be sure: one strong voice of authority reduces any chance of misunderstandings, announces quick decisions, and ensures that directions are followed efficiently. Starboard tack? OK! Bring in the sails? Ay-ay, Cap’n!

No one says, “Do you really think so?” or “Well, I was rather thinking that another strategy might be altogether more effective.”

I see the logic in establishing firm lines of command. Some of the best captains of ships have historically been some of the strictest too. Not one crew member would describe Captain James Cook as touchy-feely, yet he certainly qualifies as one of the greatest sea captains ever.

Still, it comes down to personal style, and what works best on each particular ship.

Jana helming in Tonga

Bernie and I are not out discovering islands or naming continents; nor are we managing a crew of one hundred. Our goals are not so lofty.

And since neither of us wants to be bossed around by the other, we’ve slipped into our own style of how to do things.

We’ve been sailing together over a decade, living and loving together for fifteen. Open communication comes easily (and sometimes vociferously).

We were both historians before we left to go sailing, researching, writing, and expressing ourselves through discussion and debate on equal footing with the other.

When we got our first sailboat together, we wanted to maintain that equal footing, so we took an offshore course, together.

Sailing thru NYC

Never mind that it was like a second honeymoon in the gorgeous sailing ground of the BVIs; even better, we discovered that our separate sailing experiences and skills complemented each other, and we have learned ever since to recognize our individual strengths and weaknesses.

In this way, we’ve grown as sailors, and as a sailing couple.

As in the case of our departure from Banderas Bay, we rely on talking things through and reading each other’s nonverbal signals (yeah, a lot can be conveyed non-verbally). We keep each other in line; neither pulls rank. Mostly, we are generally good-natured folk and try not to let the tension of a particular moment ruin a day.

Sometimes he’s right, sometimes I am.

Usually it doesn’t matter. We always get there one way or another.

I’m not sure either of us would have cut the muster on Captain Cook’s ship, but we do just fine on Momo.

But lest you think the main point here is to encourage boisterous debate, let me be clear. We women are all enthusiastic citizens of this post-suffragist world, and our voices are important. No one believes that more than I.

But the safety of the vessel is most critical, and I in no way advocate inappropriate insurrection against your captain.

Bernie and I have lived aboard for nearly eight years now with no sign of mutiny (not even from our children) — and that’s because our structure of command and communication is clear.

It shifts from one moment to the next, but when one of us asserts authority in a critical situation, everyone else intuitively understands who’s in charge.

Chain of command is important (even if it looks a little strange), and understanding how yours works (while still exercising your voice!) is most critical to your success as a sailing couple.

Democracy in action
(Jana, 18 months)

Democracy in action
(Lola, 3 yrs)

About Michelle Elvy

Michelle Elvy is an independent writer, living on a sailboat with her husband and two daughters for the last eight years.

Their travels began between the Chesapeake Bay and New England, and the last six years have taken them across the Pacific, from California to Hawaii, British Columbia to Alaska, Mexico to New Zealand.

Michelle’s professional lives have included teacher, historian, translator, editor, and chief wrangler at a software consulting company. She has written stories about children, food, faraway places, motorcycling, dreaming big, and the kindness of strangers.

She currently lives aboard Momo with her family in New Zealand.

You can read more at svmomo.blogspot.com/ and you can follow Michelle’s musings and publications at michelleelvy.wordpress.com.

More info

Kids Aboard Resources (on this website)

Meet Janna Cawrse Esarey at the 2010 Seattle Boat Show

Kathy Parsons — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 21:52:12 +0000

Here’s a great opportunity to meet another Women and Cruising friend:

Janna Cawrse Esarey will be speaking at the 2010 Seattle Boat Show, January 29 – February 6, 2010, at Qwest Field.

Janna is the author of The Motion of the Ocean: 1 Small Boat, 2 Average Lovers, and a Woman’s Search for the Meaning of Wife.

Gwen Hamlin and I both read Motion and thoroughly enjoyed it. Janna has a great sense of humor, and she certainly captures the dynamics of cruising, especially that of a couple learning to live together on a small boat. I highly recommend it!

Janna will be giving seminars on Sunday and Monday. Monday is Women’s Day at the Boat Show!

Here are the details of Janna’s seminars:

Writing and Sailing: From Blog to Book and Everything In Between

Sun, Jan 31, 2:15 pm, Red Stage

Ever dreamed of writing the next great sea story? Want to see your name in by-lines? Need advice on boat blogging? This hands-on seminar will help. We’ll start small (blogs, queries, your favorite sailing rags) and end big (book proposals, manuscripts, publication). Open to experienced writers and armchair writers alike.

The Motion of the Ocean

Mon, Feb 1, 3 pm, Green Stage

Janna Cawrse Esarey will show photos and read from her travel memoir, The Motion of the Ocean: 1 Small Boat, 2 Average Lovers, & a Woman’s Search for the Meaning of Wife (Simon & Schuster 2009). It’s the humorous, true story of a couple that honeymoons across the Pacific on a beat-up, old boat—only to find that sailing 17,000 miles is easier than keeping their relationship off the rocks. If you’re interested in blue-water cruising, boating as a couple, women aboard, or just want a good laugh, come join us!

Keeping Your Onboard Relationship Off the Rocks

Mon, Feb 1st, 5 pm Green Stage, and 6:15 pm Red Stage

You love your spouse. You love your boat. Why can’t you three get along? Take heart, even the happiest union strains under onboard pressures; our friends call their boat the Divorce Machine. This hands-on seminar will help you identify potential pitfalls and give you tools for boating better together. Topics include the Pink and the Blue, Boat Hygiene, Romance on Watch, Divorce Docking, and most importantly, What She’s Actually Thinking. This seminar is intended for anyone—sailors, powerboaters, racers, cruisers, men, women—who would like to sail happily ever aboard with a loved one.

And here is the same schedule organized by day, so you can plan your visit to the Seattle Boat Show:

Seminar	Date	Time	Stage
Writing and Sailing: From Blog to Book and Everything In-between	1/31/2010 (Sunday)	2:15:00 PM	Red
The Motion of the Ocean	2/1/2010 (Monday)	3:00:00 PM	Green
Keeping Your On-Board Relationship Off the Rocks	2/1/2010 (Monday)	5:00:00 PM	Green
Keeping Your On-Board Relationship Off the Rocks	2/1/2010 (Monday)	6:15:00 PM	Red

About the Seattle Boat Show:

Seattle Boat Show – Qwest Field – Fri, January 29 – Sat, February 6, 2010

Visit the Seattle Boat show website

View the complete seminar schedule.

See the list of Janna’s seminars at the Seattle Boat Show.

About Janna Cawrse Esarey

Janna Cawrse Esarey is a teacher by training, a writer by day, and a sailor by luck.

Her book, The Motion of the Ocean: 1 Small Boat, 2 Average Lovers, & a Woman’s Search for the Meaning of Wife (Simon & Schuster 2009), is the humorous true story of a couple that honeymoons across the Pacific on a beat-up, old boat—only to find that sailing 17,000 miles is easier than keeping their relationship off the rocks.

Janna’s work appears in sailing magazines, such as Cruising World, Blue Water Sailing, and 48 North, and travel anthologies, most recently More Sand in My Bra.

She blogs about work-life-love balance for the Seattle Post-Intelligencer at “Happily Even After.” Janna was selected as a 2008 Jack Straw Writer and currently performs the juggling act of writer, mom, and wife—only dropping a few balls daily. Visit her at http://www.byjanna.com.

How Yvonne Chooses Where We Cruise

Kathy Parsons — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 17:03:01 +0000

Gwen Hamlin devoted her April and May 2009 Admiral’s Angle columns to “How We Choose Where We Cruise”. Here the husband of one of the Admirals throws in his two cents:

“Let me tell you how Yvonne chooses how we cruise. May I add here she has never taken me to a place I have not immensely enjoyed in the last 45 years of cruising.

We were heading from Tobago to Venezuela and as we came out into the bumpy ocean she cried, “The bloody wind is on the nose again”. She changed course and when I awakened to a rollicking sail we were heading North to a new destination.”

- Bernie Katchor, s/v Australia 31

(Bernie’s wife Yvonne is one of the Admirals that contribute to Gwen’s monthly Admiral’s Angle column in Latitudes and Attitudes magazine.)

More info

Check out Bernie and Yvonne’s website: www.berniekatchor.com

The Women and Cruising Blog » Relationships

6 Mistakes men make in sharing their sailing passion (Lessons I learned the hard way)

So why isn’t she on board with The Dream?

1. Buying a boat to “get her into sailing”

2. Selling her on a brochure

3. Using guilt or bullying tactics to convince her to go cruising

4. Relegating her to passenger

5. He lacks general competence and confidence with a large or complicated boat

6. Going “all-in”

To avoid these uncharted hazards, it’s critical that:

1. Both of you share The Cruising Dream BEFORE the cruising boat is purchased.

2. Cruising is not simply an activity or experience, a passage or a destination; it’s a lifestyle.

3. The relationship must be on stable footing to begin with.

4. You share equal involvement and responsibility.

5. One of you must be mechanically talented and proficient with every aspect of the boat.

6. Have a global or holistic plan for the cruise and after the cruise.

I learned all of these lessons the hard way.

Our first cruise ended less than a year into our five year plan.

We had a wonderful second cruise.

About Nick O’Kelly

See also on this website

More info (external links)

Get Her On Board (Secrets to Sharing the Cruising Dream)

See also on this website

More info (external links)

Shipboard democracy and chain of command

“Are we gonna make it?” (me)

These decisions happen fast on board our boat MOMO…

We don’t always reach the same conclusion at the same time, but one way or another, we arrive at what’s needed.

Most people will tell you that consensus doesn’t work on a sailing vessel. And they might be right.

Of course, it would be a lot easier if we’d just follow traditional rules about who’s the boss.

Still, it comes down to personal style, and what works best on each particular ship.

When we got our first sailboat together, we wanted to maintain that equal footing, so we took an offshore course, together.

Sometimes he’s right, sometimes I am.

But the safety of the vessel is most critical, and I in no way advocate inappropriate insurrection against your captain.

About Michelle Elvy

More info

Related articles (on this website)

Meet Janna Cawrse Esarey at the 2010 Seattle Boat Show

Writing and Sailing: From Blog to Book and Everything In Between

About the Seattle Boat Show:

About Janna Cawrse Esarey

How Yvonne Chooses Where We Cruise

More info

Related articles (on this website)