Admirals' Angle » Attitudes

#69 – Boredom

Gwen Hamlin — Fri, 02 Aug 2013 17:34:32 +0000

The cruising life, towards which M and her husband have worked so hard, is not turning out to be what she expected.

M and her husband got a good deal on the boat of their dreams. It needed work, so their first seven months living aboard were spent at a dock working on projects. With winter nipping at their heels, they came down the Intracoastal Waterway to a mooring in balmy Marathon where they continued boat work in the popular cruising hangout. Finally in March, they crossed to the Bahamas.

M thought she was ready for cruising. She’d read books, attended seminars and taken sailing classes. She had experienced friends and family giving her good advice. What could be wrong?

M is bored.

“Every day, I’m surrounded by beautiful water, sunny skies, and gorgeous vistas in every direction, but…is it possible that every day being the same BEAUTIFULNESS gets old? Do we understand, when we seek the simplicity of cruising, the SAMENESS we are choosing?

Sure, we have gut-wrenching diversions of storms, scary passages, and alarming gear failures, but otherwise cruising seems to me a tedious stream of boat repairs in the midst of gorgeous, serene sameness!

And though I like getting together with other cruisers once in awhile, I get really bored with one potluck after another and the endless cruiser talk about batteries, solar power, refrigeration, anchoring, and heads.”

“I’ve promised my husband five years,” says M, “but I have to figure out why I’m bored in most people’s version of paradise. Am I the only one who feels like this? I feel tremendously guilty over it.”

M is not the first person to ask about boredom.

It comes up occasionally in our Women & Cruising Seminars, and, honestly, it’s the one question that stumps us, because it is so far away from our experience.

The Admirals echo that confusion.

From Truus, world traveler on Key of D, “Boredom? Ha!… It never happens for me.” Period!

“Boredom?” says Sheri, recently moved ashore from Procyon. “I never got bored on the boat. I kept expecting it would happen, but it never did. Life just seemed to be full all the time.”

“I really don’t even get the idea of boredom,” chimes in single-hander Debbie of Illusions. “If I feel boredom coming on or am tired of what I’m doing, I do something else.”

And Ellen of Cayenne III? She can’t get over the boredom of her new life ashore!

Of course, Admirals are Admirals because they’re fully invested in the cruising lifestyle. Their success belies the many for whom it doesn’t work out, whose boats are up for sale within a year or two, and who then disappear from the cruising conversation. There are various reasons. Boredom may be one.

Carolyn of Que Tal points out that there’s a difference between simple boredom, which is temporary and which we all experience, and what she calls “chronic boredom.”

“It’s a chicken-or-egg kind of issue. If the various components that make up cruising — sailing, navigating, exploring new places and, yes, even boat repair and maintenance – don’t interest you, then they’ll seem boring. And if you think they’re boring, you’re not likely to get involved. But if you don’t get involved, they can’t become interesting.”

Why do some people have a hard time while others adapt more readily?

Some struggling cruisers may be confronting the difference between expectations and reality. Living aboard and cruising full-time sounds great in theory, but it’s not the same as a week’s vacation. All those fundamentals Carolyn talks about, even if you go into it believing you are interested, require constant ongoing attention and effort. Not everybody bargains for that degree of commitment.

Another difference between vacation and full-time cruising is that vacation is a break from everyday life, where you temporarily leave problems behind. Cruising, however, is a full-time exchange of realities, so any issues you have with yourself or your partner come with you. Most times, if problems were not getting sorted out on land, it won’t be easier in the confines of a boat amidst the challenges of sailing her. That can be a fatal disillusionment!

If your new reality continues to feel like vacation because your partner wooed you aboard by pledging to do all the work, be prepared for that to boomerang. Remaining disconnected from all that needs to be done on a cruising boat will eventually leave you feeling sidelined, disempowered, and, perhaps worst of all, that others are judging you. A crew that stays so out of balance is one that cannot go on for long.

One other pitfall that could bring on chronic boredom comes when you confuse strong family ties with geographical proximity, causing you to cling too close to home and not push out to a distant horizon. The result is a sense of feeling stalled out, stuck, neither home nor away, without ever having given the adventure a fair chance.

Of course, sometimes boredom is just the passing kind. All that free time, time no longer channeled by outside forces like a work schedule, can seem overwhelming to new cruisers like M, switching gears from land life to cruising mode for the first time, especially since afloat they’re removed from familiar filler activities like Internet, TV or shopping malls.

Trust me. Your cruising boat can carry you forth to a hugely fulfilling life if you let it.

All that is required of you to banish boredom is to take some initiatives.

Take one for the boat: Learn something new about your boat’s operation every day, whether it seems boring to you or not. Every one of my Admirals believes that taking an active part in the management of the boat is essential to successful cruising (plus involvement makes “cruiser talk” less alien!) First grade is boring to a child in September, but by summer they’re a whiz at reading and math.

Take one for yourself: Most of us have something we’ve always wanted to do if we “ever had the time,” whether it’s writing, photography, or knitting baby blankets. All you have to do is choose a project and start! All the Admirals have a passion (or three!) they pursue, whether it’s writing blogs, researching a cookbook, collecting bird sightings, making things with shells, or learning a new instrument. Anything goes. Think of it as a chance to reinvent yourself.

Take one for your mind: Most cruisers are big readers. Try pushing your tastes out to include more meaty material, particularly things that relate to your cruising experience and the places you visit. Check out podcasts and audiobooks for an easy way to transform long night passages.

Take one for your body: Get off the boat. Go hiking, snorkeling or diving. Take up kayaking, windsurfing or kite-boarding. Walk the beaches and collect shells. Go to local markets and learn about local foods.

Take an initiative for nature: “Many women who really bond with the cruising life, take a particular satisfaction from nature,” observes active birder, Diana Doyle. Rediscovering the natural world (all but forgotten in the artificial techno world left behind) and learning as much as you can about its elements — moon phases, weather or current patterns, or fish and bird behavior — rather than passively watching another sunset, re-situates you more firmly in your new reality.

Take one for your soul: Meet locals, not just cruisers. Figure out how to give something back.

I can’t say whether any of this will answer M’s dilemma, but giving it time is key. As one woman told us at a seminar, “If I had continually asked myself those first six months, ‘Am I happy? Am I enjoying this?’ I’d have driven myself crazy. It’s a huge adjustment. Tell new cruisers just to give it time.”

Special thanks to M!

This article was first published in the Cruising Outpost magazine.

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#2 – Home is Where the Boat Is

Gwen Hamlin — Sat, 14 Oct 2006 18:27:52 +0000

When I cast out my lines of communication to the Admirals I hoped would consult with me on this column, the first question I asked them was what the cruising life was for them and what was key for getting into IT. Ironically their answers had a great deal to with home and community, concepts usually associated with living on land.

“For me,” observes Kathy Parsons of Hale Kai, a Downeast 38 cutter, “IT is feeling that my boat is truly home and that my community is a fluid one that consists of all the people that cruising has allowed me to meet – both other cruisers and people I’ve met in the countries I’ve visited.” “Friendships — with folks who so often are kindred spirits — are made quickly and solidified by shared adversity and fun,” says Mary Verlaque of I Wanda. “Nobody asks what you did in your ‘other life’, and it is simply unimportant. You are accepted (usually) by your acts and your seamanship.” And when you part ways, Folksinger Eileen Quinn reminds, “You learn to trust that the winds will cause your paths to cross again.”

Making the boat you cruise on into YOUR home is a common observation. As Mary Heckrotte of Camryka, a Westerly 36, succinctly observes, IT is the comfort of “cooking in my same old pots, sleeping in my same old bed, then looking out my porthole to see a whole different country.” Boat as home may come most naturally when a couple buys a boat together, but “too often,” writes Debbie Leisure from her 29’ Island Packet Illusions, “women move on board a boat that is HIS boat. They have little say in anything except the galley. For a woman to make that boat her home, she must become emotionally attached to it, as she probably was to her home on land.” Lisa Schofield of Lady Galadriel, who has now traveled from San Francisco to the Chesapeake on what was originally her husband’s Crealock 37, seconds that. “In my observations of other cruisers, it’s been clear that those who don’t have IT aren’t happy aboard, and many times that has to do simply with not having brought along things that give them pleasure.”

Beyond building a physical connection to the boat, the Admirals say, getting into IT extends to being party to all the decision-making of the cruise. In a crew of two, especially when husband and wife, there is no place for Bligh-like tyranny by “The Captain”, but equally there is no room for a passive passenger. It is in the best interest of life aboard that each person develops expertise in particular areas, yet each should have a working understanding of the other’s, as well On Tackless II, we have “board meetings” – usually over morning coffee or after the lights are out on the dinner dishes – during which we each report on our own “departments”, and seek the other’s input. We always consider together any upcoming plans and projects, destinations, and weather forecasts until we come to a common decision. This way we share in the responsibility.

The object of all this is achieving a self-determined lifestyle. “In cruising,” says Kathy Parsons, “you move so far outside the box of expectations, that the weight of “shoulds” largely disappears and you live your life the way you want.

”From what my Admirals say, women seeking IT will do well to cultivate in themselves such personality traits as flexibility and adaptability, an independent nature, a satisfaction at living hand-in-hand with nature, a capacity to make do with somewhat less than most of what passes for necessary in our consumption-crazy world, and a willingness to step up to the unknown. My friend Kathy Blanding of Sunflower carries the following saying in her billfold. “Live in wonder; be willing not to know.” I don’t know where that comes from, but it seems fundamental to the life of travel that cruising is. “And if you don’t travel with the boat,” points out Eileen Quinn “then it’s just living aboard!” However, she wisely adds that IT doesn’t come all at once. “The first year or two, cruising is mostly about getting to know your boat, yourself and your partner underway. There’s little spare time; every experience is new and the learning curve is steep. I promised my husband that I wouldn’t pass judgment on the lifestyle until we’d been at it a good six months.” It must have worked. Eileen and her husband have been cruising together aboard Little Giddings, a Bayfield 36, for twelve years.

This article was published in the September 2006 issue of Latitudes and Attitudes.

Admirals' Angle » Attitudes

#69 – Boredom

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#2 – Home is Where the Boat Is